Pisces - Wk of 3/4

A guy in a wizard hat stops you on the street later this week and tells you he recognizes you as a dragon master. He sells you three dragon eggs and instructs you to pour gasoline on yourself and set yourself on fire while cradling the eggs and they will hatch. You figure that with your own dragons, you could pretty much own this fucking town so you do it. Onlookers are horrified as you ignite in a huge ball of flame and then are amazed when you step out of the smoke and ashes unharmed. Unfortunately, you realize that you are carrying three baby penguins – not dragons. Fucking dude ripped you off!

Aquarius - Wk of 3/4

Time travel continues! You survived the Alamo by jumping into the vortex seconds before you were going to be bayoneted while trying to hide behind Davy Crockett. Now you will be transported to a different time and place: June 26, 1876 – Little Big Horn! You figure you’re dead meat but you catch a break because Indians are very attracted to fat people and Crazy Horse decides to take you as his lover.

Capricorn - Wk of 3/4

You will foil a bank robbery by shooting the leader of the gang on Friday but, instead of being the hero, everyone will be pissed at you because it was only a movie filming and it is going to be really hard to replace Brad Pitt now that he’s dead.

Sagittarius - Wk of 3/4

You will buy either a used space shuttle or a Kanye West album on Saturday. Either way, you will pay too much.

Scorpio - Wk of 3/4

You always thought people called you “Bugsie” because you were tough. This week you will find out that the real reason is that you have the face of a giant insect – Not Yoko Ono-bad but still pretty goddamn disgusting.

Libra - Wk of 3/4

The stars aren’t clear as to the reason but you WILL end up with a tranquilizer dart in your neck on Thursday.

Virgo - Wk of 3/4

You will win the contest for the new state motto on Oklahoma’s’ license plates: “The Rattail-Mullet Capital of America.”

Leo - Wk of 3/4

Your significant other was a real jerk to you in your dream last night. They better fucking make up for it in tonight’s dream or you will kill them!

Cancer - Wk of 3/4

Against your better judgment, you will pick up a hitchhiker tonight. You will be pleasantly surprised with his wide selection of cigarettes and his willingness to share them before he stuffs the remaining dozen or so up your ass one-by-one and cuts your throat.

Gemini - Wk of 3/4

You have finally had it when you open your fortune cookie after lunch on Thursday and it contains another goddamn proverb instead of a real fortune! “Vision is the art of seeing what is invisible to others”??? What the fuck is that supposed to mean??? So you are supposed to have yet another day of listless ennui and lethargic moping just because a bunch of fortune-writers are too damn lazy to come up with a real fortune so you know what to do??? Fuck, no wonder you never get anything accomplished!